My On and Off Relationship with Myself

“Know your worth, then add tax.”

If you are like me, then you may spend your downtime that you have scrolling on Twitter. The comedy, tragedy, politics, and advice all fill your head and take effect on how you perceive the world, the people you interact with daily, and sometimes even how you perceive yourself. The quote found above is something that I have seen on my timeline more than just a few times and it has stuck with me for a few reasons.

I have to admit that when I saw the tweet for the first time, I just liked it and continued scrolling. I didn’t put much thought into it. It wasn’t until I saw the same tweet for the 5th or 6th time that it occurred to me, “Sometimes I don’t see my worth, let alone know the tax.” As corny as it may sound, I can bet you my bottom dollar that I’m not the only one thinking about this.

Every day, more than once a day, I see a tweet or an Instagram post encouraging women to feel good about themselves and feel confident about themselves. Many times it may come along with an anecdote or personal experience of theirs which aims to inspire us all to keep going no matter what, but why does nobody talk about the days that they can’t find a reason to feel good about themselves? What about the days when you wake up and feel disgusting, or the stressful weeks when you haven’t felt like putting on real clothes?

I am confident enough to say that there are days that I don’t feel empowered. Feeling like this is not an epiphany or a secret because everyone goes through it. Self-confidence and self-esteem is not something that you merely arrive at, but rather something one continuously pursued. Plainly Said, self-confidence is a roller coaster.

In my own experience, self-confidence comes in stages. I’ll start out feeling not-so-great. Then I’ll hit a stride of mediocrity, meaning I don’t hate myself, but I’m not entirely in love with myself. After that, I’ll start to have real doubt in myself, whether that be doubting my ability to do something or even as simple as questioning if I’m a pretty girl when I look in the mirror (It may sound shallow, but these are real problems that I feel women deal with). I’ll be in this slump for days, sometimes weeks. Then something happens to me, and I feel better about myself. It may be a good grade on a test, or I did an outstanding job on my makeup, or something as simple as payday, but now I feel better. I know who I am, what I am capable of, and I no longer question that.

Sometimes, it’s okay to break up confidence. It’s okay to say, “I don’t feel good about myself right now” It’s normal. Social media has convinced us that self-confidence is something we ought to have all the time and we’re not allowed to feel down and out. There’s this mindset that if I don’t have 100% confidence in myself 100% of the time, I don’t love myself. Even on the days that I don’t necessarily feel confident, I still love who I am. I think that is what true self-esteem is about really. There are times that I have felt weak, ugly, dumb and many other negative emotions, but I always know in the back of my mind, that I am strong, beautiful and a smart young woman and that whatever I am dealing with, I can get through with God by my side. It is possible to love yourself while questioning what may be happening in your life.

Whoever you are and whatever you may be dealing with (school, jobs, weight problems, beauty recognition, etc.) don’t let anyone convince that you don’t have the right to feel it. The key is picking yourself up and knowing that you are capable of overcoming this battle. Even though I am young, I know that life is full of obstacles and sometimes they will affect how you look at yourself. It may cause an opposing reaction, however, make sure to beat that opposing reaction with a positive force.

Kerbi Rucker is from Douglasville, GA and graduated in 2016. After graduation, she enter the University of Georgia. She is currently an upcoming third year majoring in Human Development and Family Science and also pursuing a minor in Human Services. In the future, she plans to obtain graduate degrees and enter a career in education and school counseling. As an active campus member she constantly advocates for young black women and all black people alike; helping people is her passion.