The Power of Sensitivity

All my life I’ve been told I take things too personally. “Stop being so sensitive” and “learn to take a joke” were common phrases, but they cut the deepest. I didn’t understand how anyone could be confident in telling me to stop feeling so strongly. How do I control that? How do I tell my heart to stop burning and straining against my chest when I’m overcome by jealousy? How do I tell my mind to stop racing or my tears to stop falling when I’m enveloped in sadness? How do I make myself relax when every muscle in my body is wound so tightly in anger? I’ve come to realize that what other people want isn’t for me to stop feeling the way I do. I wish more people did want me to stop being sensitive because they could see how much it hurts me, but the truth is my intense emotions make people uncomfortable. I want to scream in the face of anyone who’s ever abandoned me because of my sensitivity that I am always, without exception, more uncomfortable than they are. I don’t know who reached into my soul and turned my emotional volume all the way up but I wish someone cared enough to at least change the song. I wish the soundtrack of my life could be switched from songs filled with angst and frustration and sadness to songs celebrating how happy my dearest friends make me or how peaceful I feel wrapped up in a blanket watching bad movies. Most times I wish the bad side of feeling would go away, but I realize that that would mean compromising the good as well.

There is power in being sensitive.

Along with the burning in my chest when I feel embarrassed or shamed, I feel a punch to my gut for the misfortunes of people I will never meet. Along with the anger I feel seeing someone close to me do something unethical comes the willpower to stick to my values. I feel everything strongly. I feel sadness and anger like tidal waves, and happiness and compassion like a supernova. Life is a roller coaster for everyone, but my downs go into the core of the earth and my ups break through the atmosphere. I am often told that being around me when I’m speeding downhill is miserable. No one enjoys being around someone who is consumed by negative emotions, but what they don’t realize is how much worse it is to be the person drowning and have everyone avoid you because they don’t want to get their feet wet. I have also been told that the good outweighs the bad. When I’m happy, boy am I happy. Nothing can tear me down. Everyone loves being around to bask in the warmth and light I give off until the next tidal wave hits and everyone goes running to dry land.

I’m in the tail end of a period of self-hatred rooted in the fact that everything hurts way more than it should. I’ve been called dramatic, crazy, and been overlooked and abandoned by the people I relied on to help me through it. I know it isn’t normal to feel the things I do with such intensity. I know that. But I’m done apologizing for it. I get mad and angry and sad. So what? Who doesn’t? Why should I have to beat myself up over my ability to really feel? It’s a blessing; I care too much about other people and I have too much love to give. That’s why it hurts so much to be rejected and turned away. Lately I’ve been reminding myself how great of a fault that is. It hurts like I could never have imagined, but what a gift I can be to someone who needs to know that they are cared for.

To all my fellow sensitive souls, stop apologizing. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and you should cherish your big, vulnerable heart. Wear it on your sleeve. Be confident in knowing that you will find people who appreciate that you will always be open and honest about how things affect you. With feelings that big, there’s no way you can ever cover up what’s going on in your head. I will admit that sometimes it will suck. You’ll feel terrible and not have anyone who can handle the way you process what you’re going through, but it will pass. No matter how wounded your heart is, it will continue to beat. No matter how much or how often you cry, your tear ducts will never run dry. There are so many emotions you have yet to experience, and I am so excited for you to feel them with all the passion and pain in the world. You’ll feel it in your bones and your lungs and it will be undeniable. No one can tell you to stop feeling it, even yourself. Let it happen. Let it shape you.

Katie Shivers is a sophomore studying Advertising and Social Work at the University of Georgia. Her dream is to combine her two passions into a career advertising for non-profits or other charitable organizations. She loves sleepovers, heart-to-hearts, making new friends, and is a chronic oversharer. She apologizes in advance for baring her unfiltered soul to a bunch of strangers over the internet, but hopes it will help people realize that being positive isn’t always pretty.

#sensitive #confidence #selflove